Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
