he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
