I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
