I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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