Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
