capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
