I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
