"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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