I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
