we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
