I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
