my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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