I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
