so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
