dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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