I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
