sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
worst night to have a conscience
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So much rum. So many feels.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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