Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
