Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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