my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
