Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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