He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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