I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Randomize
