shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
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