smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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