you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
It's rum buckets o'clock
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
