What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
