my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
