my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize