i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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