Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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