Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
