i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
