i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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