the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
