My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
