you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
