i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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