So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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