Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
