Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
