It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
