I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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