Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
