Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
This house was built for laser tag.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
