1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
