D3 body, D1 cock
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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