i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
