HIV tests are more positive than that guy
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
