gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
