even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
