Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
