Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
