so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize