life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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