At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
