shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
