My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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