she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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