He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
