well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
