I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize