Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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