Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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